The little voice

Well, I did it. I managed to get through another day while the little voice inside my head whispered at me all day that I might as well end it. It told me that I was a failure at life, love, and marriage, and that I would never amount to anything. From the time I woke up, all though the day and even now, I feel the dark cloud over me, trying to put a little doom and gloom into my life. It's a voice I'm very familiar with as I've heard it from my earliest memory, nagging at me, breaking my spirit, knocking me back down when I get too high or proud.

I woke up this morning determined to make it a great day. Took out my motorcycle, picked up a hot date, and spent the day driving, chatting, shopping, and walking before dropping her off and heading home to get ready for work. And all the while, I feel the despair creeping up on me, smothering me, making me feel like the tears will never stop trying to spill out. So, I turn my head, wipe my eyes, and try to push them back down. Try to think of anything else but my thoughts so I can laugh and feel good...but my thoughts keep returning to the blackness seeping out of my soul, and there's so much of it that it's overwhelming.

And the worst part is I can't explain it. I know I shouldn't dwell on it, and that I should focus my thoughts and energies elsewhere, but that's the problem - the little voice refuses to be quiet. Even when I am laughing at a joke or comment that someone else makes, it's there mocking me, whispering that it knows that I'm not really happy, that I don't deserve to be happy, that this is temporary, and I'll be sad soon enough, and that thought alone is enough to suck the fun away, make the breath catch in my throat and make tears well up in my eyes.

So, I go to work, and put on my happy face, do my job, and spend my breaks crying silently to myself in the washroom like the pathetic loser I am, wondering when I'll not feel like this anymore and scared that the answer is never; that the little voice will always be there to mock me and my life. I tell myself to hold on until I get home, and then I can deal with it better. Cry all you want when you get home, or worse if thats what you really want, but not here, and not now. That gets me through the night without openly crying on the floor.

But now I am home, and I need to get this voice to shut up. Because if I can't then I really don't see the point in going on. I told my doctor that I wasn't sleeping well, so he put me on medical marijuana to help relax me before bed. That is one of the only things that has ever worked for me to silence the nagging voice in my head that berates me constantly. So I smoke, and I cry, and wait for the first lift to hit so I can at least believe that my fucked-up emotions will be more manageable in the morning. I just don't want to listen to the little voice anymore.
So, Goodnight.

Sometimes you get lucky, and the voice is down to a dull murmur when you wake up; like waves on the beach, not the big crashing ones that inspire awe and make you pay attention, but the quiet calm ones that lap at the shore and barely register, so your attention can go elsewhere, and soon you're feeling good about the future and life in general. Maybe there can be some semblance of a normal life where things work out in the end and everyone lives happily ever after. Maybe?

Except the voice is still there today. And it's as loud as ever.