Nihilism

Counting this blog, I've written my suicide note quite a few times over my lifetime. I have a copy of my most recent one on my phone under the title "In the event of my death, read me". I've always thought of it as going out on your own terms rather than being a bad thing, but I guess that's not how most people see it. My first note came in my first year of university. Lonely, empty, and unfulfilled, I wrote it up, explaining as best I could how I didn't really feel a connection to anyone or anything. "I've felt dead inside my whole life, so why not make the outside match" is the most poignant line from that note. I'd always known that I didn't have any true feelings and just kept a mask on that was what I wanted people to see. I was studying Sociology at the time, and came across a definition of a sociopath.

In Hervey Cleckley's The Mask of Sanity, Cleckley distilled what he believed to be the 16 key behavioral characteristics that defined psychopathy. Most of these factors are still used today to diagnose sociopaths/psychopaths and others with antisocial disorders

Superficial charm and good intelligence
Absence of delusions and other signs of irrational thinking
Absence of nervousness or neurotic manifestations
Unreliability
Untruthfulness and insincerity
Lack of remorse and shame
Inadequately motivated antisocial behavior
Poor judgment and failure to learn by experience
Pathologic egocentricity and incapacity for love
General poverty in major affective reactions
Specific loss of insight
Unresponsiveness in general interpersonal relations
Fantastic and uninviting behavior with alcohol and sometimes without
Suicide threats rarely carried out
Sex life impersonal, trivial, and poorly integrated
Failure to follow any life plan

I realized that I fully possessed most of these traits. I was not shocked or surprised by it. Long as I remember I could mimic other people's emotions and provide the appropriate amount of empathy. Did I really feel anything? Not often. I could watch things happen to me without an emotional connection, hiding my true face from everyone. However, being a Sociopath doesn't mean I'm going to go find a gun and kill everyone. I just don't connect to people on an emotional level. Love, happiness, jealousy, pride, even anger aren't the same for me as other people.

If asked to define my world view, I would describe myself as a Nihilist. Nihilism is a philosophical doctrine in which one lacks belief in the meaningful aspects of life. Thus, life is without objective meaning, purpose, or intrinsic value. I guess feeling like you are alone in the universe at a young age leads you to believe in nothing. Being raised Catholic was a contrast in values. The teachings of the church were in stark contrast to what was happening in my personal life, and I learned that my personal life was the real thing, and the church prophesies and teachings were the fabled pie in the sky; Pretty to look at and hope for, but like the saying goes, wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first. I did my part in the church so that people had a positive opinion of me: I actually did the readings during service, learned the Catechism, when to stand and kneel, what words to say and when. But for all my outward appearance, words, and actions, they rang hollow, and were said with no conviction. To this day, I still don't understand how anybody can believe in a God who lets terrible things happen daily.

Another aspect of Nihilism is the idea of no inherent morality, and that accepted moral values are abstractly contrived. I truly believe in this. I've always thought it stupid that our dos and don'ts were based upon a book that was written by people much dumber than you or me. My basic philosophy is to accept anybody's behavior as long as their right to do it doesn't impinge upon the basic rights of those around them. You want to fuck in the park? As long as there are no kids around, be my guest! That being said, I am not a rule breaker. I did a few things in my youth that involved police activity, and learned to stay below the radar after that. The tallest reed gets cut, as the saying goes, and my youth became all about blending in, and not being singled out as different.

The worst thing about being a Nihilist is the general mood of despair at the perceived pointlessness of existence that one develops upon realizing there are no necessary norms, rules, or laws. That brings me back to the suicide note. Everytime I've written one, I always had a plan of action and a note to be discovered. Writing the note is therapeutic- it helps me to focus on the problem, and forces me to come to terms with the loss others will feel when I'm gone. This is generally what stops me from carrying out the suicide. At that particular moment, I remember walking along the waterfront, and thinking that I would jump in. The North Atlantic is freezing and unforgiving. Numbness as soon as you touched the water with your hand. Death would come quickly as long as no hero showed up to save you, and it was late at night with nobody around that I could see. What prevented me from jumping in the ocean that night? I had recently found out that my girlfriend of the time was pregnant. I can"t say I was thrilled at the idea of becoming a father, but I was intrigued by it.

My most recent note was written when my wife and I split up. Once again, I was tired, and not looking forward to the work involved in reestablishing a new life. Too many people to talk to, too much effort to pretend to care when I don't. Life is pointless; we all die; why bother with the effort? Much easier to walk to the Falls and go for a swim, or open a vein and bleed out. I gave blood my first year in University and all I could think while doing it was, "This doesn't hurt. It would be a good way to go." I have 90 blood donations to date, and I think it every fucking time. People think I'm altruistic and that I donate to help others, but the truth is, I do it to help focus myself, so that I remember what my options are. Nihilism.